Settling In

As I left the house this morning to take kids to music lessons and then run some errands I gave instructions to several of the kids at the house on what I wanted them to do while I was gone. Finish chores, get homework done, bring laundry baskets into the laundry room.  Normal Saturday stuff.

We have a new 14-y-o in our house.  He’s been with us for a few weeks, and seems to be slowly settling in. On my way out the door this morning, I reminded him to get his vacuuming chore done while I was gone.

“And then I want you to pick up your room.  Haul those empty boxes out of there, and let’s get them broken down and put out by the garbage,” I said, waiting for the reaction.

And I saw it.  Just a second’s hesitation in his eyes.

“Uh…. Okay,” he said.

I went on to explain, as matter-of-factly as I could, that he doesn’t need them anymore and that they make his room look unsettled and junky. I said that I noticed he had unpacked all of his stuff and put it away in dresser drawers and on a bookshelf in his room.  Good job. So, no need to hang onto those empty boxes anymore.

He nodded, slowly.  Okay.

It’s been a thing we’ve seen time and again over the years with the kids who move into our home.  They know the routine.  They’re here. But who knows for how long?  It’s not a permanent move.  Just the next stop on the train.  Best to hang onto those boxes, old suitcases, broken laundry baskets, and garbage bags.  Just in case. Because when you’re in the foster system you never know how long you’re staying.  At some point the train pulls out again, and you’re off to the next station.

We’ve had kids arrive in our home with only the clothes they’re wearing. We’ve had them arrive in shoes that don’t match, and adult sized t-shirts hanging off of their small frames.  We’ve had a few of them come with their own chairs, dressers, and boxes and boxes of toys.  Most have come with all of their worldly possessions crammed into one or two beaten up old suitcases.  Or come through the front door, dragging all of their things in cardboard boxes and garbage bags.

This is my stuff.  Mine. It’s everything I have.  And it’s in garbage bags.  That alone speaks volumes to a kid about their own value.

Sometimes it takes them a few weeks even to unpack.  Best not to settle in.  Who knows how long they’ll be here?  We’ll start by showing them their room, and which dressers and bookshelves are theirs. We’ll follow up a few days later by reminding them and encouraging them to get their stuff unpacked.  And ultimately, after a couple weeks, sometimes we’ll tell them that it’s time to unpack now.  It’s time to settle in.

But what’s been interesting to us is how kids will hang onto those empty boxes. Those old battered suitcases.  The dirty, broken laundry baskets.  And even the garbage bags.  Even once things are unpacked there’s a hesitancy to let go of the empty containers.  Just in case.

For this newest kid it’s been a few weeks now.  He’s been unpacked since the first week.  He seems to be getting more comfortable.  He’s starting to lounge around in the living room when we’re all watching a movie, instead of hiding out secluded in his room.  He’s playing cards with the little kids around the dinner table in the evenings.  He’s snuggling in with the dogs while watching Mariners’ games with Geoff. He’s even starting to laugh.

So about those boxes.  Let’s go ahead and haul those out of here and get rid of them.  We know you’re on high alert.  We get that you’re hypervigilant.  Waiting to hear the train whistle that tells you it’s time to head out again.  On to the next station.  We understand that experience tells you to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.  We get it.

And this morning when I told you to get rid of the boxes, saying it like it was no big deal, I knew it was a big deal.  I’m not really saying to go clean up your room.  What I’m really saying is, it’s okay to relax for a while.  Take a breath.  Start letting your guard down.  It’s time to settle in.